Heart For Humans

God's blessed me with a serious serving of Empathy. Maybe it developed from my compounded minority status: African, Female, American. I'm quite sure it has a lot to do with my being on the receiving end of teasing, and less than honorable treatment from other human beings. No need to pity, though compassion would be nice. The Western myth of perfection has constantly eluded me. Until my desire gave way to an understanding that there is perfection in our individuality. Our differences are what make us beautiful. So when I look at people, especially the rejects (myself included), those that do not fit the ubiquitous paradigm of beauty, I smile and hope that they know how special they are. Corny right? I know. But for years I felt that I was weird, not very cute, clumsy and down right awkward. I struggled with my self image. Not feeling skinny enough, having acne, you name it,  I felt it. And now when I look back at the pictures I used to despise I realize how perfect  I was and am, and glory in my "imperfections". I'm not so critical of the superficial qualities. I love that my ears stand out from my head, my overbite, and my sometimes alligator like skin (thanks dad :). They don't make me who I am but they are distinguishing features. I guess what I want to say is that I desire to help others feel the way I do. I know I have yet to fully attain. And everyday I'm bombarded with images that tell me who I am and what I look like aren't good enough. That I'll never find a man if I don't shave my legs or armpits. I beg to differ. I digress.
While I'm aerating the embers that burn within I want to learn to serve others in their apprehension of Love.

More Than Words

When I think about the relationship that I want with God, the first thing I don't want is a fabrication of emotionally stirring rhetoric. You know the feelings when you get when you listen to a Gospel song that's meant to uplift your downtrodden spirits? When your feeling dejected and despondent turn to God for your rescue! Don't get me wrong. Jesus came to SAVE us. And save us he did. But I'm tired of hearing the same old tired refrain. Tired of feeling empty and only enjoying sporadic bouts of happiness. I want to be full, and stay that way. Depend on God when I'm on TOP of my mountains, not just turn to him to rescue me from the valleys. Don't you agree that it should be more than that? And I know that it can be. The world we live in today is already full of things meant to "fill" us, shoes, name-brand clothing, the latest handbags, big houses, expensive hand bags, jewelry, makeup. That's what its all for: to make us temporarily satisfied. In my 22 years I've been fortunate enough to realize that those things are pointless. They will never be enough. I want peace and Joy and Love that surpass human understanding. Those things are worth more than gold to me, and I know that they are attained only through the knowledge of God. That is what's on my radar.

Balance. Poise. Exhale.
Denell.Akosua.Asharae.Ohema.

Perfecting your Downward Dog

Life is a balancing act. The one thing I need in my life is balance. Whenever I begin to study intensely, I begin to slack on working out, or I lose depth in my spiritual walk. Poise, focus, I need to balance this thing out. I want to be well rounded. Who doesn't?  So what do I do? I have a planner, into which every morsel of my life is entered--well almost all of it. Where do I find the time to fit it all in? The third week of the semester is upon us and I want to catch myself before I fall. There's no one else here to do it. As my reflexes instinctively extend my leg I realize that first I need to ask God for help. Center myself and look within. The answers aren't in this world. I've searched too long only to find it wanting. I want to excel academically without becoming a hermit or social leper. I seek to be fit, without neglecting my studies by caring more for the outside than feeding myself mentally. Isn't this the challenge of life? Our society is one of excess measured on uneven scales. The weight's are off. How do you find moderation without starving yourself of fullness?

Clicks Heels 5 Times

Inhales deeply and releases the weight from my shoulders.

I’m officially homesick

.

I haven’t dealt with this ailment since last November, but I got over it and moved on because I knew I had many months to go. Now its the end of April and I’m seriously contemplating extending my stay until August 2. What do I do? 

Listening to MercyMe’s Finally home as I let the waves of Nostalgia wash over me.  My memories of home are like  childhood experiences that I can’t recapture, but you always long to get back. I miss my car and driving with no destination in mind,  with all four windows down and the music blasting. I miss my nieces kisses and warm exclamations. Smooth roads and street lights.  I miss hotdogs and cookout iced tea. I miss my neighborhood and the aroma of freshly cut grass on Saturday mornings. Cartoons and my best friends. I miss my mommy and daddy and our extremely loud family. Rambunctious two year olds and the hup-in. Sticky hands and sweet kisses.

I miss feeling grounded.

But this too shall pass. I'll be okay. 

There's still so much more for me to learn and experience and I don't want to leave Ghana remembering everything that I wish I'd done.

Still Breathing 

AJ

Touch Your Heart

Bless me to touch your heart,

and I'll let you touch mine.

Let me wrap my arms around your mind

before our bodies intertwine.

So much emphasis is put on the physical senses.
What we can see feel and touch, especially when it comes to the "laws of attraction" or what our respective societies tell us is beautiful and desirable in a partner.
Everything is so superficial--with songs out like "I invented sex" and "Put you to bed" It shifts the emphasis of relationships to what is physically pleasurable instead of what is long lasting and eternal. Call me old fashioned but the most attractive, well one of the most attractive, things in a man is the quality of him wanting to know my mental and emotional, and spiritual ins and outs before he even dares to consider my body.
So that our connection will be deeper than the ignition of that divine spark of pleasure.

Food for your mental,
AJ

So much to be grateful For :)

God is so awesome. 

Everyday I become more aware of how much he loves me. So many good things are happening in my life right now, and have been since I came to college.  I went through some pretty traumatic experiences as a child, and as a got older I went through the “why me’s?” a lot actually. Sometimes I feel like God is giving me a break—like he’s saying “I’m sorry that your life sucked for the first 18 years. Now this is your time, go and be happy. I love you” I’ve been blessed to see his love manifest in so many ways during the past 4 years of my life.  I am so grateful for the little things that I experience that are his I love you’s. Like the night market lady dashing me an extra piece of chicken. Or having three different friends prepare meals on the same day and invite me to join in. Or showing me that love in the human form can be beautiful and trustworthy.

He loves me, he loves you, he loves us all. :)

Who Will Cry for the Little Girl?

Who will cry for the destitute among us?

I am learning now, how to cry for me-- and while this process will no doubt take a lifetime,  my soul won’t be consumed with tears. At least not of my own accord. The mountain I’m climbing starts and ends with me looking in the mirror and seeing myself, and coming away with the feeling that my scars don’t make me any less beautiful.  It’s so easy to cry for others. To acknowledge their pain, and even pretend that you can aid them in recovery. Crying for your self is the hardest thing of all because you, first, have to admit that something is awry. I wasn’t taught how to do that. Thankfully I have been surrounded by others that tend to shine their lights on me, until I was forced to surrender to reality. So now as I’m getting myself together, and learning how to live and love me, I will humbly surrender to love. But it’s not enough for me to live in my bliss filled bubble, while the ones around me suffer in silence. I thank God that I have the hands and feet to do work. Alls I gotta do now is dig in with both hands and all feet. I want to give people that hugs were promised but the embrace was never fulfilled.  The love that was made manifest but that was never “real”. I’ll cry for and with them, because no one ever cried for me.