Faring Better on My Own

I'm an only child. I am the youngest of 5. Twenty-four years separate myself and my eldest sister. It wasn't until my first cousins moved down from Virginia and New York that I experience the regular company of kids my age. But for most of my childhood I was alone. I had friends at school, and i could play with my cousins on the weekends, but I grew accustomed to the solitary life. Fifteen years later and not much has changed; except that its me +1. You can see Him physically, hopefully you can see Him in me, but he's here. When I'm alone, my heart reaches out to Him. I look to him to satisfy my longing for human company--and he does. I'm enjoying the process of getting to know Him. Satan knows this too because for the past 3 - 4 weeks I've been bombarded with invitations for male company, which previously would have been a feat of the greatest order. And I began to let someone in. Just as friends but you know how that goes. I told my dad that wanted to share all my joy and sorrow and excitement with him. I wanted Him to be the outlet for my emotional vicissitudes. But I noticed that during the brief time he and I were relating that things changed between myself and my father. Now that it's over Dad and I are back on the up and up. I want to give him everything in me.

Anxious and Troubled

 

I was feeling a little down today. Feeling like I ‘d missed the mark. A few posts ago, I stated how amazing this summer had been for my spiritual growth. God has really become my best friend. I was delighting myself in Him more than ever. But then I allowed myself to become distracted by none other than a man. I know that his word brings about effortless change, and right now I need to renew my mind on how amazingly important being single is. 1 Corinthians 7: 32 – 34  “ but he who has married cares for the things of the world, how he may  please his wife and is distracted” Married people are distracted! wow! “ Both the unmarried woman and the virgin care for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit; but she how has married cares for the things of the the world, how she may please her husband” I have one of those amazing reference bibles that puts superscripts above certain words, and it referenced Mary and Martha. In Luke 10:40 Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet so she’d have the best place to hear him speak, and while Martha was running around and serving others, not that serving is bad, but in comparison to the opportunity to here the very words spoken by the living God, there is no comparison. In this instance Mary was living out Philippians 3:8, she counted everything as loss but for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ. Martha can be compared to the married woman from 1 Corinthians who is called to serve her husband, but Mary being without a mate could give all her attention to the Lord.  I want to be like Mary.

Me a spinster? Not Likely!

Last Sunday evening I decided to take a walk with my dad. I was bored, and wanted to get out of the house, so I figured it was the best time to just hang out with Him. It took me around 45 minutes to find spot, cop a squat and sit with him. I sat at an abandoned driveway and leaned against a steel fence. As the cars drove by I was telling him what I desired out  of my life. I want to wake up everyday and talk to Him first thing in the morning. I want to abide in his love always, and be aware of his presence in my  life. He is my best friend. The one who gets me and values me. He even knows how many strands of hair are on my head. How amazing is that. Last night I was reading and 1 Cor 7:32 - 34 laid it out perfectly for me. Both the unmarried woman and the virgin care for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit; but she who is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. How true is that? As a single woman my life's goal is to be satisfied with the Lord. Whether or not I get married isn't my concern, because its the man's job to find me--if I am to be found. Quite a few of my closest friends have either gotten married or will be married before this year is over. The tears I shed at their nuptials won't be out of pity for myself because I'm single. They will be tears of joy over the love they are displaying--God's kind of love. I just want to be complete in Him alone.

Akos

No Compliants Here!

I really have nothing to complain about. Earlier today I saw the status update of an acquaintance and it really made me appreciate what I have. More than that, it made me appreciate the knowledge of God's blessings. I know the things that he has provided for me. 3 John 1:2 "beloved I wish above all things that you would prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers". I know that its his will for me to prosper. There is no question about that. Its so sad, and ironic that religion has taught us that God wants us to be poor. That is not the case. Every single one of my needs have already been supplied. Even if my car has materialized, I know that it's mine.  I AM blessed.

When I Say He's My BFF I mean it!

This has been such an amazing summer for me. Because I've been all alone. Sounds like a contradiction doesn't it. Well I've been alone but certainly not lonely. Most of my friends live halfway across the world. One is in France, another in China, and a few more in California. But the distance has been a blessing in disguise. This year I've realized that I can depend on no one like my Father in heaven. Psa 46:1 God is our refuge and strength,  an ever-present help in trouble. Not even my earthly father, whom I love more than any other man on this planet doesn't treat me like he does. Psa 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. He has promised never to be angry with me, and never to rebuke me. It's the fairly tale I've always hoped for. This summer I started a new job, and it has been stressful. And though I know that the stress has been due more to circumstance than providence, they have been to his glory. On the days when I came home, stressed out and at my breaking point, I cried in his bosom. I leaned on Psa 3:3-4 But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I read those over and over again. Praying in tongues certainly helped. Everyday, his word feeds me. I have to spend time in it to get the strength to endure another day at my job. I work with kids and trust me they will try your patience to the max! But Isaiah 26:3 says he will keep you in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on him because he trusteth in Him. Its so serious. I love him, and am doing my best to abide in his love. I don't want my heart to stray away from the truth. He is my bread. My life. Knowing his love will turn anyone into a fanatic. He is amazing!

Celebration of Self-Love

I Got a New Car!

While listening to my pastor Andrew Wommack, I had a revelation about faith. My Dad (God), has blessed me with a car. I had been without a car for almost two years. Three weeks before I went to Ghana I was in a car accident, and my car was totaled. Because I was in Africa for a year, I didn't care about not having a car--its not like I could use it there anyway. Fast forward a year later, and I'm living right across from campus, and Gwyn-the-schwinn was my transportation. I didn't start feeling the itch for a car until around April of this year. I decided to believe God for a car. Deuteronomy 28:12 says you shall lend unto many nations and shall not borrow.  Because of this truth I decided that financing wasn't an option for me. Now back to today, Andrew reminded me of a powerful scripture. Hebrews 11:6 "without faith its impossible to please God. Why is that? My dad is a loving god. And then it hit me. Faith is the arm that we use to reach into the spiritual realm to appropriate what he has already done for us, and cause it to manifest in the physical world. My dad responds to faith and not need. 3 John 1:2 says "beloved I wish above all things that you would prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers". The way his will is fulfilled is when we believe what he has already done and reach out by faith. So, he is pleased when we take what he has already given us and believe it so it can finally manifest into the physical. He is pleased when our needs are met. No father is ever pleased when his children are suffering and starving. It was explained to me in this way. Our dad has prepared for us a great feast on his banquet table. Everything we need is already laid out for us. All we have to do is reach out and take it. This is why Philippians 4:4 "rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: rejoice!" is possible. Because he has given us everything we need, and we don't have to beg and plead and be desperate. Thank you Jesus!

She Tried to Curse Me Again..

While ridding to work this morning, in an exuberant decree I shared my excitement about going to bible college, with the driver, (who will remain anonymous). I was genuinely happy about the direction that God is guiding my life, and the fact that I’m actually going to follow it. And instead of returning and equal level of excitement she proceeded to tell me that I was wrong. Wrong?! For desiring to go to bible college? No. For not wanting to go to her church anymore. That wasn’t the only reason. She felt that I should have apologized to her pastor for leaving the church. Does this sound absurd yet? The fact is, that we’ve had this conversation before, three years ago. There were a lot of tears, and I allowed it to tear my relationship with my Father apart. I was just a babe then. Now I am an adult, and as I explained to her that I now have the right, and responsibility to choose whom I let feed me. Unfortunately my pastor of choice runs a para-church ministry. So I have to watch his sermons online. The bible college that I will be attending in the spring of next is his brain child. Lets get to the cursing. The woman I was ridding with this morning told me that I was not going to prosper until I apologized and made things right with my former pastor. I should mention that I did this three years ago when she asked me to do the exact same thing. This morning I told her that I would not me doing that again. I wasn’t trying to be stubborn but I refuse to be in bondage. I now know enough about God’s love for me. I am not cursed because of the church I want to go to. The truth of the matter is that ever since I heard the true gospel, the too good to be true news, I refuse to accept anything less.

I Was Thinking About Sex the Other day…

 

..And I came to a conclusion. Sort of a revelation. While listening to my pastor Andrew Wommack he said something that really made me think. I knew it already but I felt like the Holy Spirit made it real to me. He was talking about Adam and Eve and the fact that they were naked, butt naked and were not ashamed. Stunning revelation huh. That’s not all. They communed with God, walked and talked with Him during the cool of the day—every day, and all the while they were naked. How many of us, I’m not married, but if we were butt naked and in the presence of our mates would be able to focus on God, and commune with Him? What I realized that even though God designed us and made us sexual beings, that in his presence even our most basic drives are suppressed. But not just suppressed, its just that He is so awesome any and everything else just pales in comparison. I knew this already Psalms 119: 11, Says “thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee”. When I'm delighting myself in Him and reading his word consistently, giving in to porn never even crosses my mind. I couldn’t even make myself visit one of those sights. Its when I’m not allowing Him to fill my voids when things go wrong. Sex has its place, and God certainly made it enjoyable for married people. But what gets me is how Satan has deceived us into thinking that its all there is to life. Our media is saturated by it. We’re socialized into thinking we can’t live without it, that we can’t control ourselves. Its all about SEX! But really when we are in the presence of our creator, he is so all consuming that nothing else is important. We need to allow him to fill our voids.

Like watching Porn all over again

 

One night a few days ago I was up late flipping through the channels, and I stumbled across the second episode of Love and Hip Hop – Atlanta. I have a general contempt for trashy reality tv shows, but this time I seemed to be caught off guard and I was instantly enthralled in the drama. All of the cursing and strife are nothing short of evil and I shouldn’t have watched it. I saw almost the entire episode but finally pulled myself away during the last few moments. But I wanted more. So I headed to Vh1.com for extra footage. I became a member of #teamMIMI and instantly hated joseline. I knew I had no business watching a show like this. As some one who’s been deceived into watching porn one too many times I know the steps necessary to walk down that slippery slope—watching shows filled with sexual innuendos is one of them. But I kept watching. I was able to pull myself away for a few days. While flipping through the channels I passed 42  up, and kept it moving. Then this afternoon I decided to cruse on by the website for episode three to see about joseline’s impending pregnancy. I watched this young woman cry and be abused by a man that treated her like one of his hoes. I was appalled. During one of her commentaries she talked about her background. How she ran away at 12 and began doing what she had to to make money. And I realized how much she was like myself. She is one of the girls that I want to dedicate my life helping. by sharing with them the love that God has for them. My desire to watch the show was vanquished. It reminded me of the time I watched a video of the behind the scenes life of a porn star. How they are beaten and raped and abused. That video was like an antidote for my porn addiction. I can’t watch/participate in another woman’s destruction.

This is the Testimony

This man's testimony is so powerful. I'm not an Islamic scholar, and I'm smart enough to know that you shouldn't allow one person's opinion to represent an entire group of people. But God is above all of that. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. We can't affect how people will receive our testimonies but the point is that we should all share the love of Christ.

Be Blessed.

Lifelong learning

Ok I am super excited about what I just heard. Harvard and MIT are offering FREE online Classes through their new cooperative program EdX! I can't wait, I will definitely be supplementing my education. You can never stop learning!
Here's a link. Please everyone should check it out, its democratization education.
http://www.edxonline.org/
I'm sure it's not going to outsource actually going to those schools but education should be accessible to all. First class will be offered in the Fall. This is why we have to watch the news people!
We perish for lack of knowledge.

You Planted the Seed

I have made a concession regarding this blog--every once in a while it will be taken over by my natural hair blogging alter-ego and serve as my very own hair photo album. I can't get on facebook, and I need a place to share pics of my "good hair" days. This happens to be one of them. For the past week, a few acquaintances have asked me to wear my hair out. My answer to this was simply a flat out "NO!". Do they know how much effort must be put in to wear my hair down? And yet today I've acquiesced. I got the itch this morning, and I fought hard not to scratch it. I don't wear my hair completely out unless I get that feeling. This morning it it me hard. Its this restless, unsettling feeling I get when I look at the coif in the mirror. Anyway I took it out in the bathroom at the Library, because I just couldn't take it any longer. I was hoping that I didn't come out looking like two different people, and that the other students wouldn't notice my metamorphoses. Here are a few pics.

If you can't tell by now, I'll admit that I certainly do think I'm cute lol . I was feeling myself :)

Akos

If You Want to Watch I'll Give You a Show

Ignore the students in the background. I'm in the library, and so is everyone else on campus--its finals time. I inserted the pic above to highlight my outfit, well my shirt at least. Clothing is one of the few immutable things that I brought back from my experience in Ghana. If anyone is reading this, and you actually know me, you're keenly aware of my daily mantra in regards to clothing: comfort over style. I don't care how nice it looks if its painful to wear, or takes too long to put together, chances are you won't see me in it. Today was a special day for me. Not for any particular reason, notwithstanding the end of the semester, but because I was in a mood to dress up. Yes this is me dressing up. I even tried to fashion my coif in a Janelle Monae like updo. I tried. Anyway the bright green shirt you see is paired with an even brighter pair of slacks. While walking around campus I had to remind myself why other students were staring at me. If I had any apprehension about wearing African attire on a Western campus, the reminder that people would stare just as much if not more if I was actually in Africa. I recall the time I wore my fro out on University of Ghana's campus. Between all of the gawking and pointing I questioned whether or not I was in Africa. It was amusing and disheartening to say the least. No matter where you are, people tend to question your desire for self-expression.  I feel confident in my "Afrikan-wear" but I have to admit, that I don't really enjoy much of the attention. Its a beautiful day out and there are more important things to think about other than clothing. Like growing in my relationship with God. I've been slacking. No need for pretensions here.

Alive
Akos

Nugget for the Day

When you see crazy coming,..Cross the STREET! Iyanla

Peace
Akos

Best I Ever Had

 An old post I decided to evict from the drafts bin..its always interesting to see what you were thinking way back when. This was June 2010. Wow


Did I just ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me?
Our meeting seemed to be destiny.

Before you enter into a relationship, make sure you're ready.
Really, truly ready.
Any baggage that you have is only going to make it harder on you and your other
Make sure that spiritually you are strong, so that you can withstand the desire that comes when your passions are ignited.
After getting to know a person there is a natural inclination to want to KNOW them in a physical manner.
Those things have their place, but only when your ready, and for me that means marriage.

I Need Friends

I had myself fooled for a while, that shy timid part of me, had myself fooled into thinking that I was an introvert. That I didn't need nor want friends. Can you relate? As the youngest of 5, with a 14 year difference between myself and my older sister, I grew up in isolation. Not for lack of company, there was always someone in the house, but more because I felt I had no one to relate to. As a child I felt judged for my shyness, and awkward sensibility. During the beginning of my college experience I shied away from the young women's bible study group, notwithstanding my burning desire for friendship and sisterhood. Only recently, within the last two years, have I become cognizant of  how enriching friendships are to life, and felt comfortable in revealing myself to others, with the confidence of knowing that no matter how  they receive me, the love I have for myself will never change. A part of me loving myself has a lot to do with allowing myself to have relationships. The deprivation is probably readily apparent to anyone  I meet throughout the week. Isolation is dangerous, and I can't live life without social relationships. I used to rely on my family to provide the my outlets for expression, and while I value their existence no less, I have to reach out to other sources for relief. It is not coincidental that this revelation coincides with my confrontation with my past demons, that kept me in bondage for so long. I'm like a flower that is enjoying a spring rain for the first time, and I'm blooming. I no longer feel the need to stand alone brooding in a corner waiting for someone to come and empathize with me. And while my past experiences still hurt to the touch, the healing process has certainly begun. I still want someone to hug me and to love on me. Fortunately I was blessed with a wonderful father, in heaven and on earth, that is here to do just that. There are people who love me and people who don't. But my hope is in Galatians 2:20 .."in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me". Christ, the Lord above, is my first love. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.. 1 John 4:10. He is the first, and last person to ever love me. I can never be reminded of that fact too often. Why seek a shadow of this love from mere human beings when I can get the true Love from God above? He still uses us to transmit it. :)

To Learning.
Akos 

I Keep Making the Same Mistakes

This year, my living arrangement with 3, former, strangers has brought me new insights about my Walk. The most salient of them deal with legalism. Ask any one of my roommates and they can definitely tell you that I've make tons of mistakes this year, from consuming unmarked foods, to removing their clothes from the washer. I've done my part to exact a measure of penance for these ignominious acts, and if I could take them back I certainly would..I digress. Now 8 months in, I am making more efforts than ever before to watch my steps, and make sure that I don't offend in the same manner, because not every one is given the same measure of grace. That said, it only takes a short amount of time for one of them to find fault in my actions. I must state unequivocally that it is not my desire in anyway to adjudicate in regards to these matters. My point is to say that no matter how long it might take, I am going to mess up. There will be something I that do that is perceived in a negative way, no matter how hard I try to make sure that I do everything perfectly. It just won't happen, because I'm a human being, and I don't always wash my dishes as soon as I'm finished with  them. I don't immediately take out the trash when the bag is full. I might forget to clean up my side of the counters. Mistakes will come. Extrapolating this argument to my walk with Christ, and you can see where I'm going with this. All I can say is thank God for Jesus. That God sees Jesus' righteousness when He looks at me, and not my faults. If I can't please three twenty-something year old women, how much greater will my faults be when compared to a Holy God? There is no way that I'd get it right all of the time. That's why I have to put my faith in Jesus' ability to shine, and be the best thing in me. We are saved by the Grace of God, through our faith in Christ. Let's not forget on whom we rely for salvation.

Akos.

Media Fast - Day One

Today marks the official first day of my media fast. I  spend waaaayyy too much time on the internet, squandering away precious time that could be used for important things like reading my bible, and working on my ten-page historiography paper. So, in an effort to get my creative juices flowing, and get the gears turning I've decided to blog about my experiences during this fast. Too often I feel like fiend addicted to Facebook and Youtube videos. It has to stop. There are so many things about my life that have to change, and I have to start somewhere so why not here? First item on the list is to deactivate the Facebook page. It wasn't enough for me to just log off. I need to know that I can't be contacted, its a mind thing. Next is blocking off all internet blogging sites, TheYBF, Necole Bitchie, and BCK. Hair blogs are allowed because I don't use them for my procrastinating devices. I have failed numerous times at this task. Let's see if we can't get it right this time.

Smiles,
Akos.

I will be tuning in and relaying my thoughts as they come.

Let The Dead Bury Their Own Dead

This post has been festering in my psyche for a while now. I guess I might as well speak on it, so I can free up some space.

When its over, do you dig a hole six feet deep and bury it? Sprinkle some dust and give last rights?
Lay a bouquet of slightly browned flowers, and pluck their withered petals and let them dance into the dirt.
What are you supposed to do when you finally realize that its over? No more phone calls or "I'm just thinking about you texts", no more anything. This relationship is just as dead as your future with them--bleek and lonely reaking of unsastifaction. Is it possible to contravene the desire to look back, salt pillars and destruction await if you do. The ties that bind souls aren't contravened easily, much prayer and fasting are needed to rend the thoughts and spine tinglings that accompany your memory. I've mourned your loss far too long. It's to easy to hold on the the familar, anxiety subsumes me when I ponder walking forward in to the singular unknown. I have known, I always knew that you weren't the One. Faith in God couldn't unite us, more time was waisted. The temptation to put U and I together, endures, but fruitless are the realities. I'm done. It was hard to say, and even harder to realize. Our oneness was futile, never bringing forth life, instead death was immenent. It's over. I have said my prayer. Now be gone from me, I want no more to do with you.
I thought I loved you, and knew you luved me.

Oh How Wondrous

..is the name of the Lord!


The above song, by one of my all time favorite gospel artists, has been in my mind all week,  and its quickly becoming one of my favorites. It entered my consciousness like a familiar friend. When I had enough words to complete a Google search that was it. This week has been a trying one, but not of random circumstance. Time and time again the familiar mantra about making my bed, and lying in it, or living in the hole I've dug for myself continually reoccur in my mind. But though my bad decisions I come running back to that old stalwart, my faith in God. He rescues me from the monsters of my own creation, and again I feel unworthy, thank God for Jesus.
A favorite preacher of mine Andrew Wommack coined a phrase that gets me through my lonely days and pathetic nights: "God loves me not because I am lovely, but because He is Love"
When my wretchedness threatens to consume me I realize that its not about me anyway; but instead Christ and His sacrifice and how because of Him I find worth in God's sight. That's why I can't help but say " Oh how wondrous is the name of the Lord!" It couldn't be more true.

Taken to New World

The historian in me loves this! The diaspora is visible throughout the new world. I am excited to visit/live in Mexico and see the remnants of Africans.

Just When I Start to Think its All About Me

Christ Died for us all!
   

This Man is an Example to To Men..Married or Single!

I Am Loved!

This morning as I was leaving my parents house, my mother constrained my head, pulled my forehead down, and place a big wet one right on my lips, as I fiercely attempted to pull away. How she loves to embarrass me in front of my friends! I sound as though I'm in the sixth grade lol. Afterwards my friend told me that her mother never kisses her, and I realize how lucky I am to be in this place--The youngest of 5, unmarried and without children. I'm an adult but still have the pleasure to bask in childhood love. To be loved to be loved O what a feeling to be loved! I love my family, and they love me. Not all of them express it so emphatically but I have been blessed to be surrounded by those that truly do care about me. My older brother, whom I brag on constantly--because no one has a big brother quite like mine-- is the shining example of the kind of man, any young maiden needs in her life. We hang out all of time, and during the times when he's not on the phone with his girlfriend, he schools me on men and life. Through dramatic anecdotes about the antics his relationships put him through on a daily basis, he lets me know what the "real world" is like. He takes me to the store when I need him to, and just spends time with me, because I am currently in between friends. He lets me know someone cares about me, and fills avoid that I might otherwise look for in a male companion. He's great, though sometimes he yanks my chain, I know he loves me.

What I Need!!

I need to write MORE. Why don't I write as much as I should could? I have been known to squander time, on pitifully mindless sites like YouTube. There just aren't enough A Different World Reruns to satisfy my lovesick soul! I then turned to Moesha, which never was a favorite of mine, only to return to that age old stalwart for women such as myself--Natural hair videos ofcourse. YT provides some semblance of controlling the Universe--administering the power to toggle between post BC TWAs and waist-length hair, all within seconds. Still its not reality. At least not mine.
So here I am, in the library contemplating alternate universes and desires of what I shall become. This is the time in my life were I take the leap to the next step. Problem is, I have no I dear what that step is. I lie. Vague notions of happiness drift through my head, fantasies fill my dreams with stacks of books, an acoustic slung over my shoulder, poem book and pen in hand. I am a writer and thinker, a being happy in self. Alice Walker and Toni great me in not so silent reverie. Joy fills my soul. I am not alone, I am complete.
 And I realize I am still finding myself. 23 years old and I feel like more of me should be together. 

Still Walking,
Akos