What I Need!!

I need to write MORE. Why don't I write as much as I should could? I have been known to squander time, on pitifully mindless sites like YouTube. There just aren't enough A Different World Reruns to satisfy my lovesick soul! I then turned to Moesha, which never was a favorite of mine, only to return to that age old stalwart for women such as myself--Natural hair videos ofcourse. YT provides some semblance of controlling the Universe--administering the power to toggle between post BC TWAs and waist-length hair, all within seconds. Still its not reality. At least not mine.
So here I am, in the library contemplating alternate universes and desires of what I shall become. This is the time in my life were I take the leap to the next step. Problem is, I have no I dear what that step is. I lie. Vague notions of happiness drift through my head, fantasies fill my dreams with stacks of books, an acoustic slung over my shoulder, poem book and pen in hand. I am a writer and thinker, a being happy in self. Alice Walker and Toni great me in not so silent reverie. Joy fills my soul. I am not alone, I am complete.
 And I realize I am still finding myself. 23 years old and I feel like more of me should be together. 

Still Walking,
Akos

Crushing..

I've been thinking about this lately. I should probably be open and put all of my cards on the table. I have a crush! Big whoop right?! lol Stop the presses! Should this really be big news? I think so. As a woman striving to put on Christ, it's a topic that is of interest to me--especially since I have been known to be socially awkward. What are the politics of Christian crushing? I'm kind of wondering if I should even be feeling this way at all. Though I have to admit that crushes can be sweet little things. You smile when you think about that special person, and visions of your Christian union might keep you occupied when you should be diligently studying something else.
One of my main concerns, and the reason why I was hesitant to admit this in the first place is that I don't want to lose focus on God and shift it to a fallible human being. It's just that in our overtly romanticized culture, relationships are everything. We all want to fall head over heels in love. I know that's not real but sometimes it sure seems appealing.
What makes matters worse is that the guy has no idea I feel this way, (that's actually a good thing) and I have no idea of knowing if he feels the same. Why would he? We barely know eachother! But I love the way he flips through the pages of his bible, and the way he prays is oh so dreamy! lol
This is something that I hope passes, and soon! I am certainly not ignorant to the axiom, that Satan walks about like a roaring lion. Give him an inch and he'll take a football field.
That is not to say I intend on living my life out in secluded weirdness. Sexual attraction is a God given trait, but it has a place and appointed time. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and is one that I certainly need to exercise.
He's still dreamy, and focused on God which I love the most, but God gives good things. And if this good thing is for me, he most certainly will not withhold it.

Here's to running the race.
Akos

Don't Wait Til Midnight.....

Its just after midnight. My academic career for the year of 2011 will officially be over in 7 days. I am tired and weary. This has been a trying semester. My faith and beliefs were consolidated, I still have questions but one thing's for sure--when I was in need, there was only One that delivered me. I don't have a new years resolution, only to be discarded like a diet never kept. I do however know what I want. It's what I've always wanted: To be happy. To have Joy and peace. To love myself and to trust God.
I have fallen, but what else is new? Each time I do, I know who to turn to. I don't, however, want to continue to be hindered by the same thorn. I current goal is to surmount this plateau in my faith. I want to know God in a more intimate way. Something that I've always heard others speak of, but was never able to experience for myself.

I am given privy to how messed up I really am. It would be foolish to rely on my own strength. Yet, I have done this for my entire life. As I stand back up, and dust myself off I am cognizant of my stumbling block. Something I had never known before, or just failed to acknowledge. Me. Its me and has always been  me.  Granted life dealt me malevolent cards as a child, and I was tainted, but in my adult years its all me. I have to conquer these demons, and I shall do just that. With God impossible is nothing. I will follow you forward.
Each year in churches I hear the same refrain, from the same people that don't seem to be changing. They declare that the next  year will be their year to do better to change. The truth is changing is hard. Difficult but not impossible. Its so easy to continue to do the same things over and over again even if they are harming you, because of familiarity and repetition. When you are used to doing the same thing in a certain way over and over again, it becomes second nature. Its like the password to your email address. Do you even think about it when your typing it in? NO. Your fingers have been so trained to enter those exact keystrokes, that even if you changed the password you would reflexively type the old one in. You'd have to retrain your brain and fingers to enter the new password on command. And eventually you would get it, but it'd have to be a conscious effort. The same goes for other areas of our lives that we expect to alter. I have to retrain myself not to procrastinate because I am tired. If I were in my room, that bed would be calling me. lol

Here's to change
Peace.

Exasperated with Self

Its time to be transparent. At this present juncture in life I am quite frustrated with myself. Bad habits that I seem to hold near and dear to my heart might lead to my demise if I don't make drastic changes and soon. Brief glimpses of the life I want keep me longing for more. I have a destiny and I know it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I have friends that seem to have their lives worked out just fine and then i wonder, if there is something wrong with me. Taking my own advice, I told a friend, the best thing to do when overwhelmed by your own flaws and failures is to focus on God's love and his perfection. He said he has granted me all things that pertain to life and godliness. It is one thing to quote scripture; living it out is an entirely different story and one that right now seems to be the most difficult.

He Wants Me!

He wants to be close to have a real tangible relationship with me, so I decide to go for it. Purging other things out, to make room for Him.
No else could proffer anything more spectacular.
Let's see how this goes....

BTW He wants You TOO. Contemplate letting Him love You.
1 Pet 5:7 D.

The Perfect Things

I've been meditating on this scripture for the past few days: James 1: 13-18

Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
 Do not err, my beloved brethren.
 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

Like every human being I have fallen to temptation, often the same one, Satan hasn't any new tricks. The thing is, that when something entices me...the lusts of  my flesh will desire things that my rational mind knows aren't beneficial. Still I was convinced that this thing, was somehow still good, because it felt good, looked good and tasted good, at least initially.
I think the key part of this scripture is verse 16 "Don't be deceived my dear brothers and sisters (NIV), every good and perfect gift is from above" Psalms 84:11 says "...no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly".

Stop focusing on the thing that you don't/can't have, and instead realize that all God wants to give you is the good. And if it were good you would have it. Some of the things we want are clearly damaging to our bodies, minds, and souls. "Don't be deceived, God only has the good for you". The small things that my flesh desire, lead to sin and ultimately death. Death = separation from God in the here and now, along with the hereafter.
So every time I'm tempted to please my flesh, I have to renew my mind, reminding myself that its not desirable anyway. Why should anyone focus on the one forbidden tree, and ignore the thousands that were freely given?
God IS Good. Allow no one to tell you otherwise.

Peace
Denell.

Fooling Around

I've been thinking on this today:

 The hour has come for you to wake up from  your slumber. Life is moving whether you are ready for it or not. The world is turning. Be conscious of the events happening around you. A passive existence is no longer satisfactory.

Romans 13:11-14

And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. ¹² The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. ¹³ Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. ¹⁴ Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.


More importantly for me is to clothe myself with the Lord Jesus Christ, and to not think about how to gratify the desires of my flesh. Its that serious.