Sometimes You Just Need to Cry

Yesterday was just one of those days that I needed to let it all out and cry.
Like many, I have lived a life that has been filled with trauma, and unexpected sadness.

But I've never really dealt with the hurts of my past.

I always felt that it was a sign of weakness to show or even feel many of my emotions. Instead I would keep them bottled up, and see them expressed in other ways. The coldness of my interactions with others. The way I had been dealing, or not dealing, with my emotions has led distress in some of my closest relationships.
So I decided to embark on  a journey of healing. One where I allow myself to truly FEEL. To feel any and every emotion that troubles my soul.
So, I cried. And Cried.
I talked to God, and then cried some more.
I experienced  heartbreak, and Love simultaneously.
I don't know why we run from heartbreak. I believe the pain that comes when love is lost, is natural ,and can be therapeutic.
 We are human beings and we should embrace the spectrum of emotions that God has given us.

That is not to say that we should jump in front of speeding train. No. If there are signs of trouble, think about it,  and if necessary JUMP OFF!

I allowed myself to feel, and when it was over a sea of calm washed over my soul.

Just Breathe,
AJ

This Time Baby I'll Be.. Transparent

I'm DROWNING
In my thoughts and MIND
In a sea of insecurities
Unsure of myself or present condition
Floating helplessly above my body, I watch.
The water blood fills my lungs.
My body sinks to the bottom of pain.

Where were you when I needed you to hold and comfort me?You SAW me falling but never came to my rescue.
You begrudgingly threw me a line, but I couldn't grasp it.And you JUDGE me for my inability to fight back.
Criticizing my every move.
My kick ball change wasn't as smooth as your groove.

I have been treading these waters for 21 years, and my legs have long since become fatigued.
I NEEDED you to hold and PROTECT me.
To be patient and loving.
To do no more harm than what I already knew.
Be my shoulders and strength.
I have been resting my head on shoulders of broken dreams and lost hopes.

And I watch you, watch me, drown.
And maybe new birth will come from this life that I've lost.
But it's hard for me to separate the present from the past.
Hard for me to LOVE again.
Hard for me to be free.
Hard for me to understand.
My thoughts crumble to the ground like ashes.
Surrounding me, they choke me.
The air I used to breathe was clean and free.
Now I gasp. Trapped.
Trying to become what I used to be.

AJ

Relationship 101: How do you know when it's love?

Love is a word that's so over used that it almost seems cliche'. Maybe that statement would be valid if I didn't believe that God is, was, and will always be synonymous with it.
1 John 4:8 clearly states that God is love, and if you don't love then you can't possibly claim to know him. But how is this unconditional love applied to romantic relationships? Isn't it our right to choose with whom we "fall in love".
Is "falling in love" even a real concept?

These are questions that I'm forced to grapple with, while in my current life state.

So when do you know when you love him or her?
Do you get butterflies every time they walk into the room?
Does their touch make your body quiver?Or is it the fact that you keep coming back to each other despite the quarrels, and disagreements? In spite of the frequent tension maybe you've realized that you would rather fight with them, than have quiet with out them.
Is it those moments where time seems to stand still when you hold each other?
And at some point during all of this turmoil you believe that one day you might want to start a family with him or her.
Will you fight for them? Or maybe even give your life so that they wouldn't have to feel an ounce of pain or suffering?

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.John 15:13

Fall Hard
Dive Deep
Submerse yourself in their love

AJ

Find your Love

Change ISN"T Inevitable

How do you become something more; something better than just YOU?

How do you change your Character? Your Dreams? Your Destiny?

Is destiny really inevitable? Can a person achieve it with only a passive response to life?

I'm standing in the place, where I'm caught between who I am, and what I could
should be.

Finding comfort only in the familiar pain of my past. It never changes. There are no surprises.

So here I am.
Stagnant.
Because change is foreign, and uncomfortable. It is the prick of a vaccinating needle. It sears my soul like truth. How do become this beautiful woman, the person I know am destined to be?

I sit and let my emotions wash away like sand on the shores. Only to be deposited on some distant land. Or maybe to be trapped in clam to become a magnificent pearl.

Facing yourself seems to be the most difficult task that God asks us to undertake.

But here I am standing infront of His Mirror of Truth.
Naked.
Ready to meet the real me.

Hello my dear. I've missed you.

AJ