What Is Your Father's Name?

That's what the tall ebony complected man asked me. He spoke in a language called Twi (pronounced tree). I had to answer in English because my limited vocabulary did not permit me to speak in his native tongue. I had to say that I didn't know. That I was from the United States, and that all I knew is that Someone Somewhere came from Africa. The words bu as they escaped my mouth. It felt like the spotlight was on us, our conversation. Today was the first time that I actually felt lost, and unaware of myself. Why is it that I do not know where I come from. What is my father's name. To say Craig would be erroneous. He looked at me and told me that I looked like a Ghanaian, he said I had  the skin color and the shape of my nose was a dead giveaway. I'm not sure how accurate he was but it was nice to have a home for a brief moment in time. I almost felt embarrassed that I didn't know my people. Here in Ghana, your name and clan is everything. It determines everything from your last name to the language you speak at home, even your inheritance. It is filled with such rich tradition that I long to be apart of. That's why I changed my name to Akosua ( Aah-co-See-ah). It's based on the day I was born, Sunday. Most girls have a name such as this as the middle name. All of this makes me really want to trace my family's history. I understand that it won't be a hundred percent accurate because of the unfortunate circumstances that African slaves were placed under. Families were separated, languages were lost, and somewhere down the line the blood of white slave masters was mixed in. But it would be nice to a have a general idea, so I don't have to falsely claim an identity. Its nice to pic a place on the map and decide that I want "pretend" that I am descended from any particular place. But that's just to compensate for the fact that I have no idea at all.

That's all for now,
AJ

Afrika The Beautiful

I Know I'm already two weeks in but work with me here. My computer has finally decided to cooperate with me and I'm not complaining. There's so much to say about this beautiful Continent I'm on, about this country that I'm in. First off the weather here in Accra is phenomenal. Accra is on the coast so there's always a great breeze. The breeze alone makes me want to stay here forever. It beckons me into the night and gently rocks me to sleep. I admit that I had notions about the motherland before I even touched down. Many of which weren't too positive. I think I expected it to be far less industrialized. I think I expected to get here and think "This is Africa!", if that makes any sense at all. But the time I entered the country, to the drive to my hostel, I realized that Accra was just another city. I say that with as much positive intention as possible. People weren't running around in loincloths and spears chasing lions. Most Ghanaians dress with a strong western influence. Esp. the men. They walk around in dress pants, collard shirts and really nice shoes. What I'm trying to say is that Ghanaians, Africans, are just people. But we all know that right? I know people that refer to Africans as if they are some sub-human species. I wonder where they do that at?

Rainbows and Sunshine

With the time winding down 'til I'm outta here, I've found myself paying more attention to the little things.
Attempting to savor the feeling of breathing in "America".
I find myself looking at people differently, not simply allowing them to pass me by, but attempting to listen to their whispers of stories untold.
On an average day you encounter, what, over a hundred people? And I've noticed that the faces of many of these people read quite grimly. Who is it that said the eyes are the window to the soul?
This adage has become more real to me with the passage of time. And if it's true, and the expression that you wear on your face shows what kind of spirit you have, then I want a guy with a smile so wide, his eyes turn to slits when he sees fit to bless me with his laughter. And I'll have no choice but to rise when he shines. I don't know why anyone would ever want to walk around with an angry disposition. And then I think that no one would choose hold such a ornery demeanor, and instead its just reflection of the turmoil inside their soul. After all we are but spirits cloaked in human flesh.

"and we will live happily ever after, float to the rafters
caught up the in rapture,
where we were captured by each other's hearts
see we go together like rainbows and sunshine
this Son's mine and together we gon' shine"

lol at my befuddled attempt at rhythm,

*Sigh* of relief,
AJ

Let's Be Friends With an Added Benefit

Friendship

By far one of God's greatest inventions.
The beauty of friendship is that, unlike family, you get to choose these individuals to be apart of your life.
It is your decision to allow them to share in your joy, hopes, and sorrow.
As I grow older I am beginning to understand and appreciate the true friends that I have in my life.
More recently I have begun to encounter friendships with those of the male persuasion.
And I'll admit they hit me like a ton of bricks.
Like a lighting they burst into my life without the slightest crack of thunder.
Friendships of this particular variety must be handled delicately, because they could combust without a moments notice.
With all of the power they pack, its no wonder that they can be some of the most rewarding experiences.
When you find a man that is worthy to be called "friend", its an occasion to be celebrated.
One thing I've learned is that close intimate friendships with members of the opposite sex are needed. They teach you things that you wouldn't have otherwise learned from girlfriends, or  books, or magazines. It takes a special kind of man to be a true friend, and to not take advantage of the delicacy that can sometimes be found in women. To not make a move on her when its just the two of you, alone, sharing emotional intimacy.

But what happens when you get to a point where you get so close that you feel the only logical next step is to enter into a completely committed relationship, and you find that one person isn't ready for that?
Do you write them off as last weeks hot topic, and get on to the next one? If that happens I would question whether you were truly friends to begin with.

It's even more special when you realize that he is not going to be around just for the moment, you know while he's single, but as soon as another women comes along he's gone just as quickly as he'd come.
I have encountered these guys all too often. These are the one's that aren't content with just your friendship.
They want more, without ever really giving your friendship time to blossom into what could potentially be a great relationship. To those men I say that if you can't handle my friendship why would I want to be in a committed relationship with you? Isn't the title called "girlFriend"?


And then I snap back into reality and remember a time when I was that girl that wasn't content with just being friends. I always wanted to rush into a relationship. She and I were one of a kind until I recently took the time to get my priorities straight. Or could it be that I know, no guy wants to be in a relationship with someone who's going away for 9 months. I have been able to understand that some friendships should remain just that. To take them further could be detrimental to both parties, and might extinguish the fire that burns between the two souls. Either way I'm settled on appreciating the benefits of a truly platonic friendship.

Broken Lover, Yes I Made You....

I'm standing in a whirlwind filled with the debris of our failed relationship
As they swarm about I am in a space where I feel no control
I watched you rip it apart board by board
and wrench my soul from yours in an instant.
you shreded your peices of our foundation, unaware that they are intertwined with mine
so while you walk away with your bag of burdens
I am left wondering
and you are found wanting
Broken lover you made me believe that you would be the one to heal me, and you did
You gave me the power to take control and to not allow life to just happen to me.
When its all said and done I will take joy in that I was able to love myself

Love this song

The Countdown has begun: 15 days and counting

15 days 'till I'm out of these United States, and I'm so glad about it.
I feel like I'm leaving with some loose ends, and unfinished life chapters but I'm completely fine with that.
I need some time to think and breathe.
I need time to figure out what I'm going to be doing with my life.
I have friends that I wish I could take with me, and others I wish to separate myself from completely

"Me and this guy go together like bricks and candy, or maybe sugar and glass"

One thing is certain, this has been one of the best summers of my life.
I didn't visit any exotic lands, or have any fantastic internships but I have grown.
And that's all I could ask for. I've been forced to look at myself in the mirror, and make some tough decisions. It's difficult to look at the scars that life has bestowed upon you. I realized that I would stand in front with my head solemnly bowed, afraid of what I would see.

James 1:23-24 says

23 Those who listen to the word but do not do what it says are like people who look at their faces in a mirror 24 and, after looking at themselves, go away and immediately forget what they look like.


But that's behind me know. I'm not saying I've arrived but I've certainly left.

Here's to daily growth,
AJ

His Words Are Spirit and Life

I have to admit that during this past year of my life, from June 09 to May 10, I allowed my spiritual journey to dwindle. I stopped paying attention to the Father and what he wanted out of my life. But this time did show me something important:
That He loves us so much that he was willing to go to great lengths to regain my attention.
Nothing just happens.
Believe that.

He strategically placed certain people in my life to show me that
 I need him, and that he wants a relationship with me. You might be thinking that what's so special about me that would cause the One True God to want to have a relationship with me?
Nothing, or maybe Everything.
I'm His child and I know that He Loves me. If I don't know anything else I can say that He loves me.
I was reading my bible this morning and I stumbled across this scripture:

Psalm 103: 8-12

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
He will not always chide
Nor will he keep his anger forever
He does not deal with us according to our sin
Nor repay us according to our iniquities
For as far as the heavens are above the earth
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him
As far as the east is from the west
so far does he remove his transgressions from us

I'm working on memorizing it because this is something that I will need to hear from time to time.

I love this song.
Take a listen and let it soothe your soul....



He Wants It All T'day!!
AJ

Daily Insight into my Soul

Thought: I feel like I need a tattoo on my wrist that says
"Speak what's on your heart. Be real with others so you can be real with yourself",
 to remind myself to say what I feel.
It seems like my lips have been silenced for so long that when I part them I'm uncertain of what may come out.

How do I know what I'm feeling?
How do I speak what's on my heart?
Simple questions that everyone should know the answer to, yet I'm stumped.
Now that I have someone to listen I'm not sure of what to say.

I'm Growing

AJ

Grace From Me to You

I call you My Love for you are MINE
You are God in rare form.
You allow me to hold Him, in the palm of my hand.
To feel His love when you look at me.
With you, I dont have to share Him.
I can be selfish and have Him all to myself.
I don't deserve you, and you don't deserve me
The definition of Grace

But I will fight to give you as much as you give me

My Love youAREmine
And let our love radiate like the sun,
so that others may be warmed when we are near.
I am eternally grateful,
 for He saw fit to love me through you

Grace and Peace Through His Knowledge
AJ

What Does God Have in Store for You?

That's a good question.

I just got word that I have been a named as a recipient of a major scholarship to study abroad.
My jaw dropped because I knew that we were supposed to be notified by early June, and I hadn't received any notification and today is the 7th.

God is so good.

This process has been an arduous one.
There have been many hurdles along the way but I was able to clear everyone of them with His help.
He is awesome, and I know he has an awesome plan for my life.
How did the grandchild of sharecroppers and paupers make it this far?
Only with his help. The way things have fallen into place in my life has caused me to believe without a shadow of doubt, that God is the creator and maker. He is the ONE. Period.
I feel Him calling me to be and do more. My life cannot, willnot be mediocre. My desire is not for fortune or fame, but it is instead to fulfill my purpose during my short time on this planet.

"And when the stars were aligned, a child was conceived.
She was the last of their sons and daughters.
The least of her brothers and sisters, but was destined to be the greatest.
She would lead them to salvation, and the promised land.
She would show them the way to Life.
She rests her head on the clouds, and clasps her trousers with Orion's belt.
The Milky Way quenches her thirst, and she plays hopscotch with the planets.
The Father's lullabies serenade her as she drifts off to sleep.
They meet in her dreams. =) "

Sweets
AJ

Oh Baby You, Got What I Need...

Just Friends.

Let's just be friends. Have  you ever put someone in the friendzone?
Or better yet, have you been forcibly placed into that box?
The box that places limits on your interactions with your significant other?
I have been given privvy to very important information.
The fact of the matter is, being in the FRIEND ZONE is one of the best things for your relationship.
What's the rush anyway?
Are you so desparate for someone with whom you can hold hands, kiss, and hug?
Those should be the menial things in your relationship.
A truly strong relationship isn't based on fleeting feelings of desire and lust.
That's called infatuation.
If you can't see past the superficial nothings, then why do you want to be with this person in the first place.

Or maybe I should be asking why they would want to be with you?

Friendship gives you the freedom to be yourself.
There are no inhibitions between friends.
You don't have to hide who you really are in order for the someone to like you better.
It's that getting to know you period with no restrictions.
And if after much time has passed, you find that this person is offering something that your life could benefit from, go for it.
You can have the pleasure of telling the important people in your life that  you were friends before you became lovers.

AJ

Ready for Love

This song was on my heart today.
My hope is that one day these words will be true, for me.
Still, there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy every once in a while.

"Never settle for anyone for the sake of avoiding lonliness. If you haven't learned to appreciate the company of yourself, you will always be alone."

A quote I snagged from Nina Ellis Hervey. Ain't it the truth.



When we love eachother, let it be the right place and time.
Let us not be so overtaken with passion that we jump in without our life jackets.
We should be grounded in Him, and truly KNOW ourselves.

I am readying myself for LOVE

AJ

Sometimes You Just Need to Cry

Yesterday was just one of those days that I needed to let it all out and cry.
Like many, I have lived a life that has been filled with trauma, and unexpected sadness.

But I've never really dealt with the hurts of my past.

I always felt that it was a sign of weakness to show or even feel many of my emotions. Instead I would keep them bottled up, and see them expressed in other ways. The coldness of my interactions with others. The way I had been dealing, or not dealing, with my emotions has led distress in some of my closest relationships.
So I decided to embark on  a journey of healing. One where I allow myself to truly FEEL. To feel any and every emotion that troubles my soul.
So, I cried. And Cried.
I talked to God, and then cried some more.
I experienced  heartbreak, and Love simultaneously.
I don't know why we run from heartbreak. I believe the pain that comes when love is lost, is natural ,and can be therapeutic.
 We are human beings and we should embrace the spectrum of emotions that God has given us.

That is not to say that we should jump in front of speeding train. No. If there are signs of trouble, think about it,  and if necessary JUMP OFF!

I allowed myself to feel, and when it was over a sea of calm washed over my soul.

Just Breathe,
AJ

This Time Baby I'll Be.. Transparent

I'm DROWNING
In my thoughts and MIND
In a sea of insecurities
Unsure of myself or present condition
Floating helplessly above my body, I watch.
The water blood fills my lungs.
My body sinks to the bottom of pain.

Where were you when I needed you to hold and comfort me?You SAW me falling but never came to my rescue.
You begrudgingly threw me a line, but I couldn't grasp it.And you JUDGE me for my inability to fight back.
Criticizing my every move.
My kick ball change wasn't as smooth as your groove.

I have been treading these waters for 21 years, and my legs have long since become fatigued.
I NEEDED you to hold and PROTECT me.
To be patient and loving.
To do no more harm than what I already knew.
Be my shoulders and strength.
I have been resting my head on shoulders of broken dreams and lost hopes.

And I watch you, watch me, drown.
And maybe new birth will come from this life that I've lost.
But it's hard for me to separate the present from the past.
Hard for me to LOVE again.
Hard for me to be free.
Hard for me to understand.
My thoughts crumble to the ground like ashes.
Surrounding me, they choke me.
The air I used to breathe was clean and free.
Now I gasp. Trapped.
Trying to become what I used to be.

AJ

Relationship 101: How do you know when it's love?

Love is a word that's so over used that it almost seems cliche'. Maybe that statement would be valid if I didn't believe that God is, was, and will always be synonymous with it.
1 John 4:8 clearly states that God is love, and if you don't love then you can't possibly claim to know him. But how is this unconditional love applied to romantic relationships? Isn't it our right to choose with whom we "fall in love".
Is "falling in love" even a real concept?

These are questions that I'm forced to grapple with, while in my current life state.

So when do you know when you love him or her?
Do you get butterflies every time they walk into the room?
Does their touch make your body quiver?Or is it the fact that you keep coming back to each other despite the quarrels, and disagreements? In spite of the frequent tension maybe you've realized that you would rather fight with them, than have quiet with out them.
Is it those moments where time seems to stand still when you hold each other?
And at some point during all of this turmoil you believe that one day you might want to start a family with him or her.
Will you fight for them? Or maybe even give your life so that they wouldn't have to feel an ounce of pain or suffering?

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.John 15:13

Fall Hard
Dive Deep
Submerse yourself in their love

AJ

Find your Love

Change ISN"T Inevitable

How do you become something more; something better than just YOU?

How do you change your Character? Your Dreams? Your Destiny?

Is destiny really inevitable? Can a person achieve it with only a passive response to life?

I'm standing in the place, where I'm caught between who I am, and what I could
should be.

Finding comfort only in the familiar pain of my past. It never changes. There are no surprises.

So here I am.
Stagnant.
Because change is foreign, and uncomfortable. It is the prick of a vaccinating needle. It sears my soul like truth. How do become this beautiful woman, the person I know am destined to be?

I sit and let my emotions wash away like sand on the shores. Only to be deposited on some distant land. Or maybe to be trapped in clam to become a magnificent pearl.

Facing yourself seems to be the most difficult task that God asks us to undertake.

But here I am standing infront of His Mirror of Truth.
Naked.
Ready to meet the real me.

Hello my dear. I've missed you.

AJ